By Carl Hanson
January 22, 2015

Let me be clear, I am not picky. I don't care what specific wine these items get turned into. Yes, I'd prefer red. But white is fine. Better than fine, actually.

Full Fridge

And the wine doesn't need to be anything mind blowing. Boxed-wine quality is A-OK with me. Beggars cannot be choosers. Goes without saying.

But here's something: I live in Seattle. And so I wonder, will the appellation designation be Columbia Valley? Or maybe Walla Walla? I wouldn't mind drinking locally, is what I'm saying. Or is the wine less "a" thing and more the thing; as in, the one, universal, true representation of wine, against which all earthly wines are mere reflections? That would be cool. But look, I'm not complaining either way, I'm just curious.

Also, I'm uncertain about how vintage works here. Are we putting some age on this juice? Or is the wine more "of the moment." Not a big deal. Certainly not a sticking point. Perhaps all will be revealed.

grapes into wine

At any rate, here are my Lucky 7 swap requests:

1. Maraschino Cherries

Maraschino Cherries

Ordinarily I would not want to swap a jar of these amazing (and let's face it, expensive) cherries for a mere 6 ounces of wine. That would not be a smart choice economically. But the fact is, the cherries are gone. (Hello, Old Fashioned Fridays.) Only the sugary syrup remains. Anyway, if this wine thing doesn't work out, I'll just use the syrup instead of sugar to sweeten cocktails. No big deal.

2. Red Wine Vinegar

Red Wine Vinegar

This is kind of a funny one. The wine that becomes vinegar returns to being wine. That's almost biblical. Or like that movie, where the good guy goes bad but then there's redemption in the end. Cool. Also, do other people store vinegar in the fridge? I'm not sure it's even necessary.

3. 4-Pack of Various Items

4 Pack

OK, what about this? It's a 4-pack with random bottles in it. Is this one thing or 4 things? Can I have each bottle turned into wine and still have it count as one thing because they're all packaged together in a single container? I mean, generally, you bring a 4-pack and 7 other items to the 10-Items-or-Less checkout lane (Jesus would say "10 Items or Fewer," by the way), and you're down for 8 items -- toss in an impulse Baby Ruth and Us magazine, and you're still in compliance. But the random bottles, that's gonna be the wild card here. Jesus' call.

4. Orange Juice

Orange Juice

You know, it occurs to me, I should probably be focusing on larger containers. Size matters. And I don't think acknowledging that makes me greedy or glutinous (two things I know Jesus sort of frowns on). I mean, if He's already putting out the effort, I might as well make it count for something. Right?

5. Half & Half


I drink my coffee black. I rarely make cream sauces. Anyway, the due date is coming up on me here, and if this half & half doesn't turn into wine soon, it's probably destined for the sink. No pressure.

6. Walnuts


This raises an interesting question. Does the exchange need to be liquid for liquid? I'm assuming a bunch of solids in a plastic container won't trip things up. Because what counts is container volume. Maybe? It's Jesus' decision.

7. Beer


OK, this might be another silly one. But stay with me. The simple fact is, I prefer wine to beer. (Jesus can probably relate. Am I right?) But beyond that, I'm clearly better off with 12 ounces of wine than 12 ounces of beer. True, it kind of depends on where Jesus pegs the alcohol percentage, but a beer can that's full of wine amounts to a little more than two drinks; a regular ol' can of beer, just one. This chart explains it.


National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.]

BONUS ITEM. Just Plain Old Water


OK, an oldie but a goodie. Kind of a gimme. Cheers!