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Coming April 1st...

By Tim Nelson
March 25, 2021
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Much like buffalo wings, romantic relationships, and the filmography of Michael Mann, marshmallows are better when you add a little heat. 

The problem with the central s'more ingredient is that giving marshmallows just the right amount of fire to create a perfectly crispy exterior and a gooey interior is a delicate balancing act. Toast too timidly, and your s'more will have too much of a chewy bounce to it. Fly too close to the sun, however, and you're left with little more than a charred, blackened husk that turns to ash in your mouth. 

a bag of Jet-Puffed Burnt Marshmallows on a teal background
Credit: Jet-Puffed

Luckily, the fine folks at Jet-Puffed have made our lives easier with a very real marshmallow product set to drop on April 1st. They're calling it Jet-Puffed Burnt, and they promise to offer the platonic form of a burnt marshmallow without any of the camping, fire, or risk of disappointment. The only thing missing is the slight taste of wood and dirt that can only be replicated by impaling these with a stick. 

Using an undisclosed, proprietary method, each marshmallow is charred to the perfect level of black-brown toastiness. You can just tell that the marshmallows love it, though, because they're smiling even while they're on fire. 

Sure, there's a certain ritual involved in toasting marshmallows — not to mention the unique sense of satisfaction that comes with doing the job right. But isn't it just better if we let corporations automate all of the things we enjoy doing and then sell the end result back to us? In this economy, taking the time to toast your own marshmallows is just far too inefficient. 

Jet-Puffed Burnt Marshmallows are set to drop on April 1st, 2021 (hint hint hint), and you probably won't find them at any real retailers. You never know for sure, though.